This Morning
by day-or-knight
Summary: This Morning I woke up. This Morning I got dressed. This Morning I thought would be like the rest… - Jay Halsteads point of view of everything that happened when the team showed up at Erin's apartment and thereafter. Post 2x23
1. Chapter 1

**Hey y'all! So I wrote this yesterday, but did not have a chance to post it so here it is today! :)**

 **This story is written in Jay's Point of View, the things that I thought were possibly going through his head. It's based on things that happened in 2x23 (Season Finale) and my thoughts on what could have happened thereafter. For now this is a One-Shot, but I might make it into a Two/Three Shot. So Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD nor any of the characters.**

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This Morning.

This Morning I woke up.

This Morning I got dressed.

This Morning I thought would be like the rest…

The constant beeping of my alarm wakes me out of my slumber, the slumber my body so desperately craved, the slumber that provided me with dreams of happiness, where everything was somewhat like a fairy tale. A dream that has been robbed by the reality and the darkness of the real world. I roll over to find its 5:45, and mentally curse myself as I do every morning for setting the alarm for this early, but I want to run, I _need_ to run. I drag myself out of bed and throw the sweats I am wearing into the corner, finding a blackhawks pull-over and some jersey shorts; I un-plug my iPhone from my nightstand, quickly checking for any missed calls or messages, not surprised that there were none. I quickly make my way to the kitchen and grab my headphones, before heading out the apartment door.

I hit the pitch black streets of Chicago running, music pumping through my ears, adrenaline through my veins. The coldness of the spring morning, hitting my face, burning my lungs. I keep pushing. I have to. Running is the only thing keeping me sane. Running is where I can forgot about all the problems in the world; where I can forget about the woman of my dreams, my partner, my best friend, who is spiraling out of control. Just last night she had a bounty placed on her head, like I did not too long ago. We went to her apartment, guns a blazing. I wanted to rescue her, like she had done for me so many months ago, but when we arrived to come to her rescue, it was like I had been slapped in the face, and boy what a fool I am. We ran into her apartment and here she is, with.. with this other man, loving on him, comforting him, making sure that with the little bump on the back of his head, that he was fine. The man whom I wanted to punch in the face and possibly throw off a roof was fine, but she was not. She was most certainly not fine, and everyone could see through the paper thin curtain she was putting up.

The woman that I thought was made out of Vibranium, that her past was just that, the past, was spiraling out of control. I seen the ruminates of the white powder on her coffee table, the cuts and scratches in the glass that followed, I noticed an empty bottle of practically every kind of alcohol one could imagine, bourbon, whiskey, vodka, tequila, brandy, gin, rum, beer, and would not put it past her to have moonshine hid somewhere. This hole that she was digging herself into, just keeps getting deeper, and I am not sure that she will allow me to be the one holding the ladder if she ever decides to crawl out.

Earlier that same evening I told her in confidence "I don't care where you were, but know that I am looking out for you." Some partner I am.

When seeing that she and this 'boy toy' were ok, I found it hard to speak, my mouth being as dry as the Sahara desert. "You had us worried there for a sec." was all I could manage. Me. You had ME worried. You HAVE ME worried. I wanted to scream at her but recanted, I did not want to get in a pissing match with her and just confirm our previous relationship to her pseudo-father, and our boss Hank Voight. I have to go. I need to go. Before I had a chance to process my thoughts or actions anymore my feet hit the pavement running, my Kevlar vest scratching at the shirt underneath. Silent tears, streaming down my cheek. The heartache hurts. The pain hurts. I run. I run to the precinct and into the basement, quickly sheading the weapon that was strapped to my vest. Ignoring Mouse who was asking if I was ok. Do I look ok? I just ran fifteen miles in twenty minutes, I just ran from the love of my life's apartment who happens to be throwing her life away because she thinks she got the hooker and drug addict that she rescued off the streets, raped, tortured, and then murdered because it was her birthday. Yeah, sure Mouse I am fine. I quickly continued up to the main floor of the precinct, blowing off Platt who was asking where the fire was. I continued my pursuit upstairs, grabbing my keys, still in my vest. Just then noticing that my phone was ringing. Twenty missed calls from Voight, fifteen missed calls from Antonio, and about ten texts between the two. None of these were from the person that matters most, like she should care. I am not even going to bother responding, so what if I get fired or reprimanded? After a day like today, I really do not care.

The normal twenty minute drive to my apartment took only ten, yes, I broke several laws, but I have a carefree attitude right now, if I was to get pulled over, I could probably just flash my badge and be on my merrily way. After ten minutes, so searching for a parking space even relatively close, I finally found one, I mean seriously could this evening get any worse?! I ran up the five flights of stairs, it seems like physical activity calms me down, speaking of which tomorrow is gym day, yesss. I walk into the dark apartment, stripping myself of the vest that has saved my life more than once, ditching the boots that were most defiantly going to leave blisters. Joy. I strode over to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer, the amber liquid quenching my thirst, I grab another and then another and before I knew it I had drunken the whole six-pack and was starting to nurse the bottle of whiskey that had been hidden in the coffee table beside the couch, reserved for in case of emergencies only. Hoping to temporarily drink the pain and heartache away, as I have tried off and on for weeks now, only to result in failure. I plop my happily drunken ass on the couch and proceed to pull up the pre-recorded NHL Stanley Cup playoffs of the Blackhawks. ' _Error: Code 04? What tha?_ ' Yep. I was wrong. My evening has gotten worse. I think I am just going to take a shower and go to bed. I quickly shower and change into sweats, and fall into bed. Today has not really been my day, I hope tomorrow will be better.

…my morning run quickly took a detour when I remembered that the gym was open, and man how I could work off some steam. The poor punching bag got the jest of it. I punched, kicked, hooking and striking left and right, high and low. I could have yelled and screamed at the bag, with the way I was feeling. Had there been more people in the gym I would have gotten some weird looks, whatever, after everything that has happened recently, a few of us in Intelligence need to be placed in a padded room with strait jackets. I glance down at my phone and notice that it is almost seven.

' _I could work on this bag for another hour but I would rather not reek when I get to work.._ '

I made my way back to my apartment, quickly showering, walking to the dresser to try and find a clean cotton shirt, which reminds me I really need to do the laundry when I get home tonight, because if not 1. Lindsay will never let me drive when she recovers, 2. Voight will most certainly transfer me, and 3. The bad guys will drop like flies, which would not be a bad thing.. I make me some coffee and toast me a bagel before making my way out the door.

' _I still cannot get used to this._ ' Was my first thought as I made my way towards the driver side of my car. Fifteen days. For the past fifteen days I have driven to work. Eight days ago, she told a man to put a bullet in her brain, she wanted to die, she wanted the pain and heartache to end, because she thought that Nadia dying was her fault. When will we get it through her thick skull that it was not her fault? Fifteen. Fifteen days ago, she let me drive saying "It's my gift. Well, it's from Nadia. I told her how you said you feel like a house husband, riding shotgun all the time. And she got all righteous and she goes, "Erin you need to let him drive a little." I could not help but laugh, that was just so… Nadia. I suggested that we do a Kuma's night, with some Black Sabbath burgers, as that was Nadia's favorite spot, but she just blew me off. Twenty-Two. Twenty-Two days ago I, Jay Halstead sent Nadia DeCotis, to retrieve a Birthday cake for a surprise party. She never returned. And that is on me. I got Nadia killed.

I pulled into the parking lot and made my way upstairs, polishing off the now cool bagel that I made at the apartment. I walk into the bull pen and see that she is once again late for work, or maybe she is taking a personal day, if it is the former than one thing is for sure Voight is going to be as ill as a hornet today. The team slowly makes their way up the stair case, Antonio and Ruzek are first, carrying on about how the Blackhawks lost to the Ducks 2-1 in triple overtime.

 _'You stupid DVR! You stupid piece of no good trash! Curse you!_ ' I thought, slamming my fist into my desk.

"You ok over there Halstead?" Ruzek laughed.

"Yeah, just peachy, I missed the whole game thanks to technology, also known as my DVR."

"Well that is not the only thing you missed. Did you check your phone? Voight and me both called and texted you multiple times." Questioned Antonio.

Dang it! I completely forgot about the missed calls last night, time to muster up the best lie I can think of right now.

"Yeah, Sorry about that, I just had to go and get some air, I was not feeling well. Must have been some Sushi I ate." Think he bought it? I think he did.

"Oh Man, that sucks! Well at least you are feeling better now!"

Yes! Score one for team Halstead, he totally bought that.

We were finishing up talking about the Hockey game when Olinsky showed, looking whiter than a ghost.

"Hey Al, you alright? You look like you have seen a ghost. Or worse, did Platt smile at you?" I joked.

"Huh? Oh yeah. No, everything is as sunny as Philadelphia. I'm fine." He grunted, going to his corner, color somewhat returning.

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Look whose back!" Ruzek cheered looking at the stair case.

"Atwater! Glad they took the training wheels off once again. How did it feel to be back in uniform?" Dawson joked.

"Well, it was defiantly a reminder of just how much I love y'all up here. I love walking the beat, don't get me wrong, but this, this is so much more fun." He stated proudly, giving manly hugs all around.

"Glad you are back brother."

We all took our respective seats and started to get caught up on paperwork. It is a quarter till eleven and my partner in crime has yet to show, surprise-surprise. And even Voight has not come into the office yet, which means that we have a case, which also means there goes all my Memorial Day Weekend plans…

It was half past two when Voight finally showed. He walked into his office and slammed the door shut behind him. ' _Not Good_.' Was the mutual look we all shared. Rule number two of Intelligence, never, ever, ever, EVER, get on Hank Voights bad side. It has consequences. We continued about the day without the girl that is supposed to be across from me. ' _Personal day it is._ ' I check off mentally in my head, as this is one of few. I continue running this profile through NCIC when Voight steps out of his office and walks to the middle of the bullpen, gaining all of our attention immediately.

He clears his throat and looks around the bullpen, nervously playing with his hands.

"At Eleven o'clock this morning…" he takes a second.

"At Eleven o'clock this morning, I had a personal meeting in a business on the corner of 56th and Weston…"

Crap. 56th and Weston? That is the bar that Bunny runs.

"…where I was informed of Detective Erin Lindsay's resignation from Intelligence and the city of Chicago."

"WHAT?!" I immediately react, standing to my feet, my chair hitting the floor.

"She handed me her gun and badge, where Bunny and Lindsay then proceeded to kick me out." Voight stated shrugging his shoulders, unable to make sense of the events himself. "So until we can make sense of any of this Burgess is temporarily being re-assigned to Intelligence. Atwater you and Burgess will be paired. Halstead, you are with me." And with that Voight walked back into his office.

What does he mean she quit? What does Bunny want with her? Voight worked so hard and got her clean, and stable. And she just throws it all away? I walk to the Sergeants office, shutting the door behind me.

"Voight, what's going on?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, Halstead."

"Why would she throw everything she has worked for away? For her mother of all people?"

"Bunny has this personality about her, which makes her think she is doing the right thing, when we both know she is not. In all honesty, Bunny is psychotic, with multiple personalities, I have seen them, so has Erin but she has dug herself in this hole to her past…" he stopped.

"I know, I seen it last night too… You know at first I think this was about her blaming herself about Nadias death, but then something happened, it's like something from her past came up and swallowed her whole at the most vulnerable time. And now she has dug this hole, so deep that when she is ready find her way back out, the ladder will be gone, you and I won't be there to save her." I put it out in the open. I could not figure out what I wanted to say, so I just spoke what was on my mind. "Let me go and find her." I ask.

"That is why I partnered you with me, Halstead. Go, you know her. " He confirmed.

I quickly stand-up.

"Jay, we have got it under control here. Take as many days as need, I will sign off on it. Just make sure she comes home. Just make sure she comes home in one piece. I will have a place ready for her when you both return."

I quickly shake his hand and practically fly out of his office door. I run to my desk grabbing my things, pretty sure I heard papers flying off the other Detectives desks as I went out, and down the stair case running. I wish I could be her knight in shining Kevlar, but it seems as though the damsel in distress, has closed herself off.

" _Hi, you have reach the voicemail of Detective Erin Lindsay, please leave your name and number and I will return your call_."

Voicemail. Ughh! Maybe she is ignoring my calls. I quickly pullover to the side of the road and pull out my personal cell.

I press the number two key for speed-dial. E. Lindsay. Call. " _You have reached Erin Lindsay, I cannot_ …" Ok. So scratch that, time for back-up plan B.

It rings twice. "Well look who decides NOT to ignore their Best Friend today! That would be you, Jay Halstead. Thanks by the way for ign—"

"Mouse, just… I will explain later, I need a favor. Can you turn on Lindsay's phone or like tell me where it is or something? Please?"

"Well it will cost you… but since you asked nicely fine." The whiz tech agreed.

"Awesome. Just text me the coordinates. Oh! And do it for her personal and work phones please. Could you also do something so it sends me a text every time her phones move? No questions asked."

"10-4 my good man."

Three minutes later I received a text with the coordinates, I quickly punched them into the GPS. Ok, so her work phone is at home… Personal is in Lakeview. Ok so she is still at Bunny's Bar. I am close to her house so that gives me enough time to run to her place and dispose of the narcotics, and Mouse will give me an update on when she's on the move. I can do this.

I make my way to her apartment on the sixth floor, and use the spare key she gave me, making my way into the gloomy apartment. I quickly scan the room and see that it is cleaner than last night, only assuming thanks to the crime scene clean-up crew. Now. If I was drugs where would I be… I start in the kitchen, no luck on drugs, but I found a plenty of alcohol, pouring it all down the drain. Next I make my way towards the bathroom. I know the layout of her apartment like the back of my hand from when we dated. I search the bathroom and come across a baggie of oxycodone. Flush. Making my next stop the bedroom, which the drugs was pretty easy to find because the baggie of white powder was sitting on the nightstand. I was making my way to flush it, when my phone got a notification. She is leaving the bar, which means she will be here, in about fifteen minutes give or take. I quickly flush the cocaine, and do a quick search to make sure I got all of it. Check. I reassure myself that everything is back in its original place and I make out of her apartment and down to my car, waiting for her to return. And sure enough she shows up ten minutes later. She's alone. I watch in my rear-view mirror as she exits her car and makes her way into her building. I drive away, knowing that she did not see me.

As I walk into my apartment, repeating some of the same steps as I do every night. Remove my Shoes. Plug up my iPhone. I grab me a cold slice of three day old pizza out of the fridge and make my way towards my bedroom. I quickly undress and re-dress into the sweats I threw into the corner this morning. And I fall into bed, hoping slumber comes soon.

Today was not like any other day.

My mind cannot help but wonder.

Tonight I lay here and reminisce.

Tonight I worry.

Tonight you should be in my arms.

Tonight is going to be a sleepless night.

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 **Continue? Yes? No? Maybe So? Please let me know :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ask and ye shall receive! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for all the Reviews/Faves/Follows! :) So here is Chapter 2, Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 3 is in the works if anybody wants it?**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Chicago PD nor any of the Characters.**

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Last Night when slumber finally came I felt Empty.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I want a drink. I want to run. I want you. I need you. But you do not want me. You do not need me. So you say.

So instead I worry. About you. Your Safety. Who will be your back-up now? God knows Bunny nor Landon are going to.

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This morning I decided laid in my bed for as long as possible, technically I do not have to go to the precinct today. Per Voight _"…we've got it under control here. Take as many days as need, I will sign off on it. Just make sure she comes home. Just make sure she comes home in one piece_." If somebody was to have taken a picture of my face at that exact moment they could have won a million dollars, because my face was that priceless, granted it is not Voight giving me his blessing… but close.

As much as the comforters of my warm king-size bed were wanting to hold my body captive, I got up, I have a job to do, and somehow I have to get her to the ladder that I placed in the hole she has dug herself. I slumberly walk to the bathroom, and turn-on the hot water for the shower, where the steam quickly begins to fill the small space. Stripping down and stepping into the shower I let the sweltering liquid numb my skin, until the water begins to lose its power and becomes like ice. I step out from the steamed glass that has temporarily let me forget. Forget about Erin. Forget about Nadia. Forget the problems that are staring at me in face like death. I was interrupted from my desolation, by the ringing of my phone. I quickly wrap the lower half of my body in a towel and speed walk to the kitchen. Voight.

"Yes, Sir."

"Halstead. I don't know what you have done, but whatever it is it worked, she is currently headed your way pissed, ill as a hornet. She came over here thinking it was something that I had done. And then I guess she somehow put two-and-two together..."

"Yeah,' I tell him laughing, rubbing the back of my neck 'I kinda went and cleansed her of –"

Before I could finish, there came loud obnoxious knocking from my front door.

"JAY HALSTEAD! I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE. YOU BETTER OPEN UP THIS FREAKING DOOR BEFORE I BREAK IT DOWN."

"Well Voight, speak of the devil, I gotta go."

"Good Luck Kid."

I slowly make my way to the front door, stopping to throw on a pair of sweatpants sitting near the door. I love it when she is pissed. Especially right now, it will remind me somewhat of the Erin Lindsay that I know and love.

I open the door, wearing only sweatpants, water dripping from my hair, a five-o'clock shadow evident on my face, speaking of which to shave or not to shave? Ehh, it will not kill me to let it grow some more. Anyways.

Opening the door turned out to be a mistake. As I was quickly taken aback by a punch to the face and then a kick to the groin. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH ME HALSTEAD." She was about to throw another punch when I caught her fist, pulling her into my apartment, slamming the door.

"Lindsay. Seriously? Look at yourself, you are beating your partner up over some alcohol."

"Some alcohol? You think this is about the alcohol? Bunny runs a bar for petes sake, I have access to plenty of alcohol. This is about my drugs that I paid good money for. Where are they Halstead?" she said with a look of emptiness, her voice rising, getting angrier towards the end of her interrogation.

"I flushed them."

"YOU WHAT!? How could you flush them? I paid with MY HARD EARNED CASH for those pills! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT." She yelled into my face.

"I have every right Erin. Look at yourself, I mean really look at yourself." I told her as I pulled her towards my bedroom. I pulled her to the full-body mirror hanging on the door of my closet, the one I had bought for her when we had dated.

"Erin, I want you to look at yourself, this' I pointed to the somewhat sober woman in the mirror 'is not you."

I walked over to my bed and grabbed the picture frame sitting on the nightstand, placing it in her hands.

The picture is one of several I have of us around my apartment, but this one is my favorite. It was taken just a few months after we had become partners. We had just finished a rough case, and were throwing back a few drinks at Molly's. We were all together, minus Voight. Burgess mentioned taking a group photo and we all somewhat drunkenly agreed. I volunteered my phone and we asked Hermann to take the picture of us in the booth. In the original picture Kim and Adam were seated on the right, Antonio and Atwater standing above them, me and Lindsay were sitting to the left, Roman and Olinsky standing above us. Everyone in the picture was smiling and looking at the camera that was except me and Lindsay.

 _"_ _Alright, everybody ready?" Hermann asked._

 _We all mumbled in agreement, and smiled towards the camera._

 _"_ _Ok, Halstead and Lindsay scoot closer together, Halstead you are cut halfway out the picture."_

 _I look towards Erin and she moves over to allow me more room, I casually move over and throw my arm around her shoulder resulting in a gasp of astonishment to come from her lips. I cannot help but look over at her a give her what she calls 'my signature grin'. She looks at me and just laughs placing her right hand on my thigh which sends fire burning through the fabric of my jeans._

Hermann snapped several pictures and returned me my phone. Everyone said they wanted a copy of the picture, but a few weeks later I claimed my phone had crashed and deleted it, before I had a chance to back it up. Nobody knew that I had lied until now, I cropped the picture to just me and her, staring at each other with the biggest smiles plastered on our faces, like there is no other care in the world, and framed it because that picture is our relationship.

"This. This is you. Erin Lindsay, you are stubborn, you are badass, and you are caring, and smart, and funny, I can stand here and talk all day if you want me to. I miss my partner. I miss my best friend. I miss your laughter. I miss you driving. I miss sneaking around behi-"

"Damit Jay! When are you going to understand that this is me! That this is who I was before Hank got to me. That maybe I am a messed up relapsed drug-addict and alcoholic! That I am the one who got Nadia killed!" she ended, turning around into my arms, slapping my chest repeatedly, before she stopped and falling to her knees pulling us both down, weeping. I held onto her for just a moment before pulling her back and looking her in the face.

"No Erin, you have no right to beat yourself up and have a self-loathing pity party. You are not the one that got Nadia killed. I am. I am the one that told her 'sure plan a party, Erin will love it.' I am the one that told her to go pick up your cake. I was the last person she talked to before that… that monster got to her. I got Nadia killed. So you… you cannot beat yourself up over something you had nothing to do with. I can't go and change the past, we have to learn to live with the mistakes and I have accepted that, there was nothing that neither one of us could have done to have stopped Yates. You need to accept that."

Its true, I have accepted it. The past is in the past and you live and learn with those mistakes you made. When I was stationed in Afghanistan, the unimaginable happened, and some of my best friends got killed, me and Mouse barely made it out the fire fight turned explosion alive. I kicked myself, asking God why they had to die instead of me, the nightmares taking over my slumber, drowning my sorrows in alcohol, and at one point contemplating suicide. But, I had a friend throw me the life raft and help me back to shore. Antonio Dawson. He came to me one day when I was at the gym and just started up a conversation. Then one night at a bar I told him about being in the Army Rangers, and that's when he mentioned the Chicago Police Department, that he was currently working in gangs but hoped to be moved soon. The next day I went and applied for the academy and a few weeks later I got accepted. Four years later and a stint undercover, here I am a detective in Intelligence for the twenty-first district with a kickass female partner, who I have fallen fast and hard for.

I was pulled from my memory and back to reality by a whisper. "But what if I can't Jay? What if I can't accept the fact? What if I am just done?" My heart broke. How could she say that? How could she say she is done? She knows that all of Intelligence is here for her, we are family. How can she just throw it all away? My right hand reaches down and lifts up her chin, my thumb wipes away the freshly fallen tears from her cheek, as I look into her dark and essentially empty green eyes.

"You can't say that. You can't be done. Look at all the good you have done Erin, and all the good that has been done in your life. Voight got you off the street and away from Charlie, away from Bunny. You have one of the best jobs in the Police force, you get to take criminals, murders, rapists, every bad guy imaginable, off the streets of Chicago. You took a once in a lifetime opportunity and couldn't stand to be away from your morals. You took Nadia off the streets, and changed her life around, do you know how many people look back and say 'I wish I took the help when it was offered.' When its too late? You have Intelligence. You have Hank. You have… Me." I finished my argument by giving her a searing kiss. Slow. Antagonizing. Her lips slowly begin moving with mine. My hands slipped around her waist, her hands went to the back of my neck. My tongue running familiarly along the bottom of her lip, begging for entrance which she gave into without argument. I was not about to push any further than lip-locking, it was not the right time.

Our make-out session continued on for what felt like hours but was just minutes as we revisited what we had ended just months ago. My lungs are burning, pleading for the oxygen I so desperately need, but I am not about to end our familiar dance. We both were finally forced to pull back, struggling to catch our breaths, resting our foreheads together.

"Jay, I… I can't, not to either one of us. I'm sorry." Was all she could murmur before running out my front door, leaving me standing in my empty apartment alone and heartbroken.

I am not giving up. Not on you. Not on us. No matter how rough the waters get or have gotten. I am going to be your rock. "Jay Halstead, I think it is time for plan C." I thought outloud.

 _Well, I won't give up on us, Even if the skies get rough_

 _I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up_

 _And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating_

 _I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find_

 _(I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz)_

As I quickly rack my brain as to what plan C might be, there came another obnoxious knock on my front door for the second time that morning. I glanced through the peephole of the door, hoping it would be Erin but much to my disappointment it was not. "Ruzek, what do you want?" I asked opening the door irritated.

"Well, hello to you too.' He said stepping into the apartment. 'I just came by to check and see that you are still alive. After yours and Voight's conversation yesterday morning, he has been enclosed in his office and you went running out of the precinct at ninety miles an hour, with papers literately flying off our desks. Now we all know as to why, and we just wanted to offer our support in whatever y'all are trying to do." He said speaking for the rest of Intelligence, not present.

"Thanks Adam, it means a lot, but it seems as though nothing is working right now. I thought I had finally gotten through to her, she was coming around, but something was going on in that thick skull of hers and she slipped right through my fingers, leaving here about forty-five minutes ago. Now I just got to think about what my plan C is..."

"Well, I suppose that you have already gotten Mouse to track her location and send it to your phone, correct? Ok, well I am also going to assume that you have yet to get an update and you know as well as I do as to how reliable technology is. I believe that it is time to go old school."

"Yeah, that's what I have been trying to do, I have been racking my brain as for the places I think she would go, but I have yet to fall through and actually follow up on the said leads, which will take me a while since it is just me."

"And this is where I come in with the good news! You, my good friend, have the best friends and coworkers a person could ask for as we ganged up on Voight, had the same conversation and half of intelligence is currently outside your apartment, downstairs, waiting on instructions from you while the other half is following Voight and his leads. We didn't know where to go, but since you and her are ehm 'partners' we figured that you would know her places better than anyone."

"Well some partner I am, I cannot even think of one fucking place she might be. But thank you for all that you guys are doing, you really in truthfully do not know how much this means to me." I was feeling every emotion right then, angst, hatred, worry, anger, loneliness, surprise, affection.

"Ok Romeo, throw on a shirt and met me downstairs."

Five minutes later I was leaning on the hood of the Chrysler, off in dream land, I had given a generic list of the possible locations that she could be, Ruzek, Atwater and Roman were following the leads down. And then it hit me. I knew exactly where she was.

I hoped into the car and drove as fast as I could. I could care less if I broke laws at this point. All that mattered was getting her home. Getting her back to us. Back to me. I pulled into the empty parking lot, showing my badge and explaining my reasoning for me being there to the security guard who let me in. I ran up a flight of stairs, skipping them two sometimes three at a time. And there she sat. Box Section 124. Row 30. Seat 6.

I walked towards her, sitting down behind her, not saying a word.

"October 23, 2005. The Houston Astros vs. The Chicago White Sox. This was where Voight and Camille took me after I had gotten clean and graduated the academy, they said that I needed to 'experience America's greatest pastime' since I was robbed of a normal childhood."

I sat there in silence listening to her recall the memory.

"It was the bottom of the ninth inning, and Scott Podsednik was up to bat, one out, the score was tied six to six. The crowd was on their feet, we were on our feet, going wild. He gets up to the plate and goes two and one. Brad Lidge throws a mean pitch, just inside the batter's box, it hits that wooden bat, and the ball goes flying deep into right-center field, its going, going, going, gone. The atmosphere in this stadium after that walk-off to win the game. I... I can't even describe it. We were so ecstatic. After the game, we hopped into the car and took off, down I-94 towards home."

I got up and moved to the seat beside her, grabbing her hand.

"We had just turned off onto the exit ramp when the truck came across the median and sideswiped the passenger side going at least fifty they said. At the hospital, they told me and Hank that she never felt it, that she died on impact and that I was lucky to have been sitting on the driver's side or else there would have been two casualties. That is why I always feel the need to drive, because I'm not ready to die, Jay. People die every day too young, they don't get the chance to live. I used to think that maybe, just maybe if I hadn't gone to the academy and graduated that Camille would still be here with us today, but then I got on the beat and seen the things that happen for a reason every day, and I let it go, because the past is in the past and there is no going back." She finished wiping a few tears from her cheeks. I could not help but pull her into my chest, and give her a light kiss in her hair. She had told me part of the story before but this was all new.

We sat there cuddled up in the two stadium chairs until the summer rain that was rolling in forced us out. "Come On, lets get you home." I told her as we walked back towards the car, my arm around her shoulder, 'plan C seems to be working Halstead, now just get the rest of the plan in motion.' I thought to myself as I opened the passenger door for her, before running around and getting in the drivers side.

"Hey Jay?" she mumbled as we pulled out of the parking lot.

"Yeah?"

"Thank You." She said as she grabbed my right hand that was on the drive stick.

"Always."

Twenty minutes later. I pulled the car onto her street, finding the closest parking space available, in front of her apartment. I remembered to text Voight and let him know that I had her, double checking myself I glanced to my right, making sure she was still there. Erin was asleep, her head pressed against the window. I quietly got out of the car, making my way to her side, I opened the door, picking her up and carrying her, shutting the door with my foot. By the time we made it to her apartment she was awake, I used my key to let us in, locking the door behind me.

"Erin, I'm gonna go pack you a bag real quick, ok?"

Ok Halstead, you are gonna have to tell her sometime.

"Why? Where are we going?" she asked groggily as she laid on the couch, the past months events finally catching up to her.

"You will just have to wait and see, it is a surprise." I tell her, knowing that if I tell her the truth she will never come with me.

I was almost done packing her for her retreat when I suddenly hear the splintering of wood, coming from the front door being kicked in.

"Lindsay?" I holler from the bedroom, as I remove my Heckler and Koch from its holster.

I quietly make my way down the hallway, gun drawn to eye level. I approach the living room and see that Erin is sitting on the couch, surprisingly calm, to still have toxins running through her system, a man with revolver standing approximately seven feet from her. His back is to me, but I can see Erin.

"Halstead, do not come any closer." She warned.

"Awww look, it's mister pretty boy, here to save the day. If I was you I would drop your gun" The voice said with their back turned. "Well, unless you want your girl's brains painted all over the wall." the man asked stepping closer to Erin.

I do as he told, dropping my weapon, kicking it behind me, not wanting to make the situation to go south.

"Landon, what do you want?" she asked, interrogating the hostage taker.

"Well let's see here… You come to me after what fifteen years, wanting a fix, which I generously supply to you, and more. We have a connection Erin. I just want back what's mine, and that would be you, remember before Charlie, all the good times we had?" he said taking another step towards her., waving the gun around closer to her head.

"Why don't you do us a favor Landon, and leave, if you leave now we won't come after you." I ask trying to lighten the situation.

"NO. I will leave, but not without her." He said taking another step towards Erin, grabbing her by the arm, placing the revolver up to her temple. I hear the familiar click of the hammer being pulled back and set in place.

"Landon, I am giving you one last chance. Let. Her. Go." My voice cracks under the stress of the situation, but is still stern.

"No, we are leaving. Say good-bye Erin." He laughs as he walks backwards towards the door, dragging her in a headlock.

Erin looks towards me, tears have filled her eyes and are slowly beginning to stream down her face. And that is when I see her mouth something to me. 'I'm Sorry. I didn't mean to. I love you.' I look at her tear strewn face, staring into the glassy hazel eyes that melt me, that seem to have been filled with forgiveness and sorrow, not the emptiness that was occupied in them hours earlier. I lock my eyes with hers and nod my head. Suddenly there came a loud rippling sound slicing through the air, causing Erin and Landon to both collapse to the floor. Blood, slowly trickling across the hardwood floor.

My knees became weak, almost buckling underneath me. It became harder to breath, feeling as though the wind had gotten knocked out of me, as my world slowly came crashing down in front of me.

* * *

Last Night when slumber took me over I was worried about your safety.

This morning when I woke-up I was not sure where the day would lead me.

This morning I had no idea where you were.

Who knew that today would end the way it did. That it would end with your scarlet colored blood coating my hands.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey Y'all! Sorry for the lack of updates, life has kinda gotten a hold of me right now and I haven't had a chance to post until now! So here's the new chapter, enjoy, I shall return next week with the next chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Chicago PD nor any of its characters.**

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"Erin?! Hey Lindsay! Are you ok?" I asked as I ran over towards her.

"Yeah, I am fine. It's just a scratch." Her voice and body trembling as she inspected the bullet wound that had grazed her shoulder. I leant down inspecting the wound.

"Alright, come on, let's go get you patched up." I tell her as I helped her stand, placing a light kiss on her knuckles.

As we turn around, she sees who is standing in her doorway.

"I'm Sorry." She says running over to embrace him in a hug.

"Shh. Its ok. Kid, Its ok. Just promise me, that you will let us help." He said pulling her back from their father-daughter moment.

"I promise. And Hank?" she told him as we walked towards the door.

"Yeah, kid?"

"Thank you." She told him, giving him a slight smile.

We made our way down towards the car, throwing the bags in the back seat.

After bandaging her shoulder, we get into the car and start making our way out of the city.

"Hey Jay?" I hear her say, her voice no more than above a whisper.

"Yeah Er?"

"Why are you doing this? I mean Voight I understand, but why do you care so much about me? What is so special about me, the drug addict and alcoholic?" she asks.

I look to my left, glancing at her face, looking into the eyes that captivate me, I see that she is serious. 'Well Halstead, it is now or never' I think to myself as I pull over to the side of the rode.

I put the car in park, and take hold of both her hands into mine.

"I am doing this because I want you Erin. I miss you. I want us to have more than one day or two months. I want us to sneak around Voight's back and get caught, and have him almost kill me and kick me out of Intelligence, but he doesn't because he doesn't want to lose two of his best detectives. I want to take you on dates. I want us to go to the gun range and you prove that you are the better shot. I want us to steal kisses in the break room when we think that no one is looking. I want you to take my last name. I want tiny Erin Lindsays and Jay Halsteads running around. I want to grow old with you. Because Erin Lindsay I love you." We sit there and I let her process my words. "But in order for any of that to happen you need to get better, so we are going away for a few days."

"Ok."

"Ok? I just pour my heart out to you and laid it all on the line and all you can say is ok?"

"Yes. Jay. Ok. That is all I can say right now. I am so freaking scared right now, because what if I spiral out of control and into the darkness again? I am scared of losing you. Of losing Voight. Of losing the ones that I love, because it seems as though every person I care about dies. I love you too Jay, I already told you that, but I am losing my mind over here because I don't know who I am anymore." She confessed as the tears began to form in the corners of her eyes.

"Hey, you won't lose us. Any of us. We are right here with you Er, every step of the way." I reach up, taking her cheek into my hand, thumbing away her tears. My heart just continues to break for the woman I love.

She offers a small smile of empathy as she leans into my hand. "Thank you."

"Always." I told her as I leaned over the console of the car, kissing her forehead.

I pull back onto the highway, our hands intertwined.

"Where are you taking me anyways?"

"Well, we are heading on vacation for a couple of days, god knows that you need it. According to you and Antonio this place has 'snowmobiling, ice fishing and meth labs'." I told her smiling.

"Northern Wisconsin? You are taking me to the cabin in Northern Wisconsin?"

"Yep, we have four days before we return to Chicago."

"And Voight signed off on this?"

"Yep, he has given all of Intelligence the time off. But Erin, there is one stipulation for you…"

"Of course, it's Hank after all" she told me rolling her eyes.

"Voight has reserved a room and admitted you to Bush-Acres Rehab Facility until you complete the program."

She lets out a sigh and nods her head. After a few minutes of driving she speaks up.

"And if I don't?"

Did she really just ask that? "No Lindsay, you will and are going to, you promised." I said as I gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white.

After having stopped multiple times due to Erins nausea, we finally arrived to our destination after what had felt like days. I pull into the drive of the cabin, throwing the car in park, I glance to my right, looking at the sleeping woman next to me. The past couple of hours of our drive had been rough, and the next few days would not be any better. Her skin was pale, from the lack of proper nutrition over the past few weeks, if you knew her, one could tell she had lost weight, and lets face it, she is as skinny as a toothpick. She was burning to the touch of my fingertips but you could see the goosebumps from the chill of her going through withdraw all over her body. The presence of black bags could be seen under her eyes from her lack of slumber.

I quietly got out of the car, unloading it as quietly as possible, before coming back to Erin. She was still asleep, her face pressed against the passenger window.

"Hey Er, wake-up. We're here." I said as I slowly opened the door.

"Mmhumh" was the response as she adjusted her head as I reached over, unbuckling her.

My attempts to get her to walk to the cabin herself ultimately failed, which resulted in me carrying her bridal style through the front doors. She nuzzled her head into my neck, grazing her lips on the stubble of facial hair, eliciting a spark throughout my body that I tried to ignore.

I carried her to the master suite, gently laying her down on the California king size bed, covering her with the comforter, placing a kiss on her forehead, before I shut the door, walking out into the living room.

"Did you bring the Bunavail?" I asked as I fell into the couch.

"Umm hello? When your younger and only brother calls you up and says "Hey, I need you for a few days at the cabin, Erin has gotten herself into some deep shit and is currently drunk out of her mind, high on oxy and god knows what else, I am bringing her with me to detox." You kinda bring the goods for the love of your brother's life.." Will said, taking a long pull from the bottle he had sitting on the coffee table.

"Yeah well, thank you. And none of this happened, you understand?" I told him as I popped the lid off a bottle of brew, referencing our subsequent trip.

"What are you talking about?" Will joked, a knowing look on his face.

"You know we're gonna have to hide all the brew right? So drink up."

"Yep, and that is why it is all hidden and locked away in the secret fridge that we put in my room that one summer."

I could not help but laugh as I reflected on the memory. When we were all of nineteen and eighteen, we found a fridge at a yard sale down the road and bought it for a whole thirty dollars. We carried it half-way home before hiding it in the woods. We went back out at midnight to get it, carrying it half-a-mile back to Will's room placing it in the closet, before we put the beer we had managed to buy earlier that evening in it.

"I am still to this day, surprised that mom nor dad never found out about that one."

"You and me both."

Will and I continued conversation and reminiscing as the evening progressed. The older brother eventually calling it a night, I stayed up watching a late night re-run of the Blackhawks game. At a little after three in the morning, I walked to the master suite, checking on Erin as I had periodically throughout the night. She was still passed out on the bed and had been sleeping for going on twelve hours.

I walked out and to the kitchen, grabbing the Bunavail, Tylenol and a glass of water, bringing it back to her room, placing them on the nightstand, before I went and woke her up.

"Lindsay, wake-up. I brought somethings you need to take." I told her, as I sat on the bed, gently shaking her shoulder.

"Ughh, unless it's the good stuff then you can leave." She muffled into the pillow.

"Nice try Er, now sit-up."

She quickly sat-up, and from the color draining from her face, it might not have been the best idea.

"To the Right." I nodded my head directing her, as her feet fit the ground running. I followed behind.

I came up behind her, grabbing her hair in my fist, pulling it away from her face as she emptied the contents of her stomach.

After handing her a washcloth to clean her face, I walked over to the corner of the bathroom, running hot water in the tub, which was quickly filling.

"Jay, what are you doing?" she questioned, still sitting in the floor.

"I am running you a bath, because for one, I know it always made mom feel better and two you could use one." I told her as I threw soap into the water, which quickly foamed.

"You saying that I am smelling a little ripe to you Halstead?"

"What? No! All I am wanting you to do is relax a little, and it will help.." I corrected my wording as I grabbed a clean towel and washcloth from the closet.

"Oh. Well, Thanks." She said, washing out her mouth.

"Always, now take your medicine and I will be back to check on you in a few." I told her as returned from the bedroom, placing the medicine on the counter before walking out, shutting the door behind me.

"Hey Erin, you ok in there?" I asked as I knocked on the door sometime later.

"You know you can come in Jay. It's not nothing you haven't seen before"

"I know, I am just respecting privacy." I laughed through the door.

"Yeah, well privacy is over, would you mind grabbing me some clothes, I kinda forgot to grab them."

I walked over to her suitcase, grabbing the necessities, when an idea popped into my head. I quickly grabbed what I needed and made my way back to the bathroom.

"You don't have to knock either." She said, as she made her way out of the porcelain tub wrapped in a towel.

"Ever the gentleman Halstead?" she laughed as I turned my back to her, walking back into the bedroom.

"You can thank the army and my grandfather for that Linds." I said jokingly, for a second you would think that everything was fine, that nothing over the past month had happened.

"Hmmm. I could have sworn I gave this shirt back to you…"I hear, quickly turning around. Erin stood in front of me, dressed in boy shorts and my favorite Blackhawks shirt that fell just below her waist, her hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"It always has looked better on you…" I said with a mischievous grin on my face.

"Yeah, well what can I say, I always did love wearing your shirts…" She said as she closed the space between us in the bedroom. "And nothing but your shirts," she whispered.

"Well in that case, you can have all of them," I whispered as I glanced back and forth between her lips and her eyes.

"Yeah? I kind of like that idea." she replied biting her lip.

"Yeah." I replied unable to contain my desire anymore. I quickly encased her lips with mine, unlike when we kissed yesterday, this one was pure fire, fueled by passion, there was no sparks, only flames. Both our hands and tongues quickly went to the other person's body, her hands around my neck, mine on her waist. My lips soon leaving hers finding spot that I know makes her weak at the knees. A slight moan escaping her lips, before she jumped up wrapping her legs around my waist. I walked the rest of the space of the bedroom, laying her down on the bed, my body hovering hers. I went back to the spot on her neck, sucking and kissing along her jawline before going back to her lips.

"Are you going to get that?" Erin asked pulling me away.

"What?"

"Your phone has been going off for the past two minutes, are you going to answer it?"

Ohh… so that was the buzzing I was hearing.

"One moment." I said leaving the pouting woman, laying on the bed.

I look down. _Voight._ Shit.

"Halstead." I answer, catching my breath.

"Halstead, nice of you to finally answer your phone." Voight said brusquely on the other end

"Yeah, sorry. I was out taking my morning jog." I lied, as I looked towards Erin.

"Huh. You sure that is all?"

"Yep. Is there something I can help you with?" I asked avoiding the unspoken question.

"How's Lindsay?" he asked, it was then I stepped out of the room.

"She's fair. I have her taking Bunavail and Tylenol. She is not withdrawing as bad as we thought she would from the oxy and coke, but the alcohol will be a different story." I told him as I rubbed the back of my neck.

"Good. I got confirmation on her rehab room, it will be ready in three days. You sure everything's alright? Erins Good? You're good?"

"Yes, sir. Everything is going good, Erin is still asleep, Will kept an eye on her while I, like I said, I just got in from my morning run." LIES. I thought, mentally slapping myself.

"Ok. Well just remember-"

"Erin's off limits. Yes Sir, I remember."

"Good. Have a great day Halstead."

"You too Voight." I said as I ended the call.

I threw my phone on the counter, and walked back to the bedroom.

"Now, where did we leave off?" I said as I climbed on top of her, taking her lips onto mine. We slowly began to continue where we left off before being interrupted. After a few minutes, Erin pulled back.

"Jay, we can't." she said as she placed a hand on my chest, gently pushing me away, before rubbing her hand across her swollen lips, before running it through her hair.

"I know." I said desolately. "Maybe one day?" I told her smiling, as I took her cheek into my hand, before brushing a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Oh Definitely." She said mirroring the smile.

"Well I guess, I should be heading to bed." I let go of her as I headed towards the door.

"Jay? Stay, please?" she asked as she moved across the bed.

"Er, I don't think that that is such a good idea."

"Halstead. Bed. Now. Just because we are taking slow and small steps right now, doesn't mean that you cannot sleep in the same bed with me, now it is almost seven o'clock in the morning. Let's just get some sleep." She demanded.

I smiled sheepishly as I walked across the room, pulling back the covers and sliding underneath. Taking hold of her body, pulling it into mine as I got comfortable, laughing at the slight gasp that escaped from her mouth. "Baby Steps? Looks like we keep missing a few steps and blurring the lines on the rest." I laughed as I kissed her shoulder.

"Shut It. We have never been good at this whole friendship/romance line crossing thing. So baby-steps it is."

"Whatever you want Erin."

"Goodnight Halstead."

"Goodnight Lindsay."

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 **Sorry if it seems lousy. I don't think i'm good at writing Romance, I think Action is more my specialty. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Short Update. Enjoy:)**

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When I woke up next, according to the alarm clock on the nightstand it was four in the afternoon, and I still felt tired. Erin, was still asleep too, her head resting in the crevasse of my arm. I laid there, contemplating on what I should do. When she gets to rehab, do I back off? What about when she gets out of rehab, will she be tempted? Where is she going to move to? My thoughts were interrupted by the movement coming from my arms.

"Good Evening."

"Ugh. What time is it?" she groaned as she cuddled into my chest.

"Fifteen after Four." I told her before we returned to silence.

"I thought you said this place was a cabin?"

"Yeah?"

"Evidently I need to find you the definition of cabin then, this place is a freaking mansion!"

"Are you up for a tour?"

"Sure."

"Well throw on some clothes, take your meds and follow me."

She did as I asked before taking my hand.

As we walked out of the master bedroom and down the hallway, I heard a gasp come from her mouth.

"Now, to your left is the room of yours truly, to the right is Wills." I gestured as we continued down the hallway and into the living room.

"Here you have the living room, a seventy-two inch flat screen high definition T.V with surround sound, complete with the latest gaming systems below, surrounded by approximately two hundred books." I pointed out, as we walked past the leather L shaped sofa.

"To your right is the dining room, straight ahead is the kitchen, and then if you come this way…" I said as led us towards stairs on the left. "Up there is the game room, complete with a pool table, ice hockey table, ping-pong and board games including my personal favorite, Scrabble." I said giving her a wink.

We were about to turn and walk out onto the back deck, when I noticed her jump at the sound of footsteps coming up the front porch.

"And if you look to the front door you will find my idiotic yet loving and helpful brother Will." I informed her as I opened the door.  
"Well, I see you two decided to not sleep the whole afternoon away after all." Will said as he brought in an arm full of groceries.

"Haha you should be a comedian. Need some help?" I asked as we followed him into the kitchen

"I think I got all of them out of the car, but if you wouldn't mind starting dinner?"  
"Alright."

"And now, Erin could you sit on the sofa?" Will directed.

"Me? Umm Why?" she asked defensively, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Well, it seems as though I am currently your physician and I would like to check your vitals."

"Fine." She grumbled as she stomped over to the couch. I laughed from the kitchen at her childish ways and how her nose snarls when she gets angry.

Five minutes later Will was taking note of her vitals as I walked into the living room.

"Ok so your B.P is 148/92, your heart rate is 90, respiration is 17 not labored, and temperature is 98.9. Now I need to test your blood sugar…" he said pulling the device out of its holster. "Blood Sugar is 68. How is your shoulder looking?"

"It looks fine, it's just a battle scar, we done now?" she said aggravated.

"Not exactly. I need to ask you some questions so that way when you get to rehab they know what they are dealing with and what exactly they need to prescribe you."

"No. I'm not answering your questions. No." she said as she got up, quickly walking to the bedroom.

"Let me handle this." I told Will, as he started to follow after her apologizing.

I walked to the bedroom door, knocking twice before entering.

"Lindsay?" my voice filled with concern.

"Go Away Halstead!" she yelled as she threw a pillow towards my head.

"You're a terrible shot you know that?" I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh yeah? Well I am certainly a better shot than you." She laughed into a pillow.

"Come on." I told her taking her by the hand, which she quickly pulled out of my grasp.

"No. I don't feel like talking right now."

"Ok, that's not what I was talking about. Change into your running clothes and meet me on the front steps." I said, walking out the door, hoping she would follow.

Five minutes later, as I was sitting in the rocking chair I heard the door open.

"Ok, now can you tell me what we are doing?" she asked, closing the door.

"Come On. You will see." I told her as I jumped up from the chair.

We began our jog down the gravel road, surrounded by trees, the closest neighbor being two miles away. We reach the end of the dirt road and turn left, starting to pound pavement, becoming surrounded by cow pastures. We continue our on with our trek, coming upon the only 4-way intersection in the town, making another left.

"Jay will you now, please tell me where we are going?"

"Patience Lindsay, just picture that we are chasing a suspect and enjoy the view." I told her shaking my head laughing.

"Ugh fine."

"You've been outta the game too long Lindsay. You are whining more than Ruzek on stakeouts."

"So what? I haven't been running since… but that doesn't mean that I still can't kick your ass Halstead." She said as she sped-up to jog beside me, when I stopped suddenly on the side of the road, Erin walking past a few steps before realizing I had stopped.

After one and a half hours and eight miles, we finally reach where I was aiming to go.

"We're here." I said as I took her hand, leading her down an un-cut overgrown path.

We make our way down the embankment, and through the forest of trees, coming upon the small lake that the cabin overlooks.

"Wow.." was the only word she could think to say as she stepped towards the water's edge, removing her shoes and socks, dipping her toes in the water as she took in the scenery around us.

"So is Northern Wisconsin still as bad as you made it out to be?" I asked as I removed my shoes and socks, standing next to her on the edge of the water.

"Let's go." She said taking my hand leading us further out into the water.

"What? You're crazy! We don't have any clothes to change into."

"Don't be a wuss Halstead. You do know how to swim don't you?" she said, the water coming up past her naval, as she headed further out.

Oh, so she wants to play that game?

I quickly shed my shirt and dove into the water, heading straight towards her, surfacing right behind her, grabbing her waist a shrill of excitement escaping from her lips. "Hey! Jay, that's not fair!" she said laughing as I pulled her into me before turning her around.

"Well, all's fair in love and war. Besides, don't start something you can't finish." I told her as she wrapped her legs around my waist as I kept our bodies floating, our heads above the water.

"Who said I can't finish what I start?" she said as she locked her lips with mine, her tongue quickly pleading for entrance.

Well this is a first Halstead, I thought to myself as we continued to make-out in the middle of the lake.

Our searing kiss was soon interrupted by the falling of the summer rain, followed by the mutter of thunder as the sky became as dark as the night that was quickly approaching. I kissed the droplets away from her lips before we swam our way back to shore.

We slowly made our way back to the retreat in the woods, the rain still pouring around us as we walked in through the front door, a little after eight.

"Well, look what the cat drug in… two very wet dogs. Dinner's on the stove." Will said snickering from the couch.

"Eh, it's just a little water, it'll dry and we won't melt." I told him, walking to the linen closet grabbing towels, handing one to Erin.

"Thanks, but I think I am going to go shower and go to bed." She spoke quietly.

"Er, you need to eat something."

"Just leave me something sitting out, and I will be fine." She said, walking away to the bedroom.

The rest of the night was uneventful, dinner was cold, and unfortunately the cable providers did not carry the Blackhawks game. I checked on Erin, who was sound asleep, before calling it an early night myself.


	5. Day 3

**Hey Guys! I am SO sorry about the almost two month delay in updating this fic, I am not going to make up excuses. Again, I'm Sorry! I am working on the last chapter now, and might even do an epilogue. Anywho... Enjoy! :)**

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As I woke up the next morning, my body aching from the run the night before, I could not help but wonder if we could or would work all of our problems out. Her and her shady past, me and Afghanistan. But my thoughts were slowly put to rest as I remember what I had told Erin just days before, '… _we cannot change the past, we have to learn to live with the mistakes, learn from those mistakes…'._ I go and slowly crawl out of the bed, checking on Erin who was still asleep, I went back to my room, deciding to take a quick shower.

After my shower, I walked into the kitchen and began scrounging the cabinets looking for breakfast, settling on cereal, I heard the door to the master bedroom slowly open.

"Good Morning." I told her as she walked sleepily towards the kitchen bar.

"Ugh, you are always way too cheery of a morning person." She said rolling her eyes.

"Well it's a beautiful day out. Cereal?" I asked handing the box over towards her.

"No."

"Lindsay, eat something, anything, please? Don't make me get on my knees and beg."

"Fine, I will take some toast."

"Some toast it is!" I said walking to the cupboard, grabbing the loaf of bread. "So what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know, don't really care."

"Well good, because I had thought.." I told her, throwing her bread into the toaster.

"And?"

"and you will find out after breakfast, eat up." I said, throwing the bread at her.

After finishing breakfast and changing into some clothes, I packed the car, with the necessary items.

"Alright Halstead, breakfast is over, I am ready to go, where we going?" Erin asked stepping onto the front porch.

"Hop In." I told her opening the passenger door. She jumped into the car, almost against her will, mumbling under her breath 'Don't get used to it.' We made our way down the drive and onto the main road, taking our drive through the countryside before pulling down on a countryside road. We traveled a few miles, before pulling off again.

"Where are we?" she questioned.

"We, are at what I like to call, a make-shift shooting range." I said as I unloaded the cases from the trunk.

"Really?"

"Really." I confirmed as they walked out into the open field of hay bales.

"How did you manage that?"

"I have connections. I became friends with the now sheriff growing up around here during the summer, called him up, asked him of a place to go spend some lead, and this is where he led me."

"Well, let's get to it." She told me as she grabbed the first gun she could find, a .9mm Smith & Wesson out of the case, throwing on her ear protection.

Forty Five minutes, many clips/magazines and bullets spent later…

"See I told you I was the better shot." She said as she nudged me in the ribs.

"Says you. There is no one here but me and you to decide, so I say we declare a draw."

"In your dreams, Halstead." She laughed as she got into the car.

I quickly packed up our things and drove back to the cabin.

I pulled into the drive, getting out, making our way through the front door.

"Erin, listen about yesterday, I just want to apologize." Will said as he jumped off the couch.

"It's ok, Will." Erin reassured, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"No Erin, it's not, I over stepped the boundries and-"

"Will. Seriously, if it is bothering you that much I will answer your questions now." She told him fed up.

"No, we don't have to if-"

"Will, its fine. Let's just get this over with." Erin said as she leaned back into the corner of the couch.

"Are you sure because I mean-"

"Yes." Erin said rolling her eyes.

"Ok, do you want Jay here or…?"

"He's fine."

"Ok, first question. When was your last alcoholic beverage?"

"The day that I came here so… three days ago?"

"Ok, second question. When was your last high?"

"Same, three days ago."

"Ok, do you know how much you took, what you took, or when you took it?"

"Well, at first I preferred the alcohol, but I then I rediscovered the good stuff, Oxy, starting at two pills a day, working my way to whatever I felt like taking, sometimes blacking out, up until three days ago. Then one drunken night about five days ago I messed around and got into some heroin, but something got ahold of me and I never took any of it." She told him, her voice cracking under pressure.

"Why did you feel the need to take all of this?"

"Because I didn't want to feel anymore, I wanted to numb the pain that alcohol would not."

"Ok, and what kind of pain are we talking about here?" Will asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"The pain that I got my best friend -who I got clean and off the streets- who was becoming a cop, killed." She said, her voice filled with anger. I placed a hand on her shoulder, only to have her shrug it off.

"Now Erin that's not-"started Will

"Any more questions?" she asked gruffly, twisting in the chair, and clearing her throat, her fingers becoming fidgety.

"No. That's It." Will told her not wanting the situation to escalate.

"Good, now if you will excuse me, I am tired and would like to go to bed. Goodnight." She said, jumping off the couch, practically running down the hallway.

"Way to go asshole."

"What? I didn't do anything! All I did was ask her the routine questions."

"Yeah, well that last one involved the reason we are here in the first place!" I yelled at him, running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry, but I had to ask, sometimes it's good to get things off your chest." He said walking away to his room.

"Yeah, well.. Whatever. Just don't bring up Nadia again." I told him as he walked back into the room with two bottles of beer.

"Jay, her death had nothing to do with you or Erin! Nadia caught the eye of some psychopath, who saw the opportunity to hurt someone who had people that cared about her."

"But Will, what you don't see is that her death has everything to do with me and Erin. Her death sent Erin down this spiral. But the funny thing is, is that, the woman I love is tearing herself apart at the fact that Nadia was getting her Birthday cake when she was taken, when I was supposed to be the one pick it up but couldn't because I was too busy trying to protect your ass from the hotshots in New York! So don't you dare stand there and say that it wasn't just a little bit of my fault."

"Fine, maybe it was _all_ of our faults, but Yates still would have chosen another victim regardless. So I know Erin's definitely not ok, but has anyone asked how you are?" Will asked taking a swig of his beer.

"I'm fine. The mistakes are in the past. I can't and won't let them eat me alive, after what happened last time I don't want to live with any regrets."

"Ok Bro, but just know I am always here."

"Since when did you become a psychiatrist?"

"Eh, what can I say, it's all apart of the job description." Will said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Ok, well if we are done having our bromoment now, I am going to call it a day, it's going to be a long drive back tomorrow."

I went to check on Erin before turning in, as I have been doing every night since we have gotten to the cabin, normally, she is sound asleep, but this time was different.

She was tossing and turning, her body covered in a cold sweat, tears streaming down her cheeks. I ran over to her, to wake her up from the nightmare.

"Erin. Hey." I said as I sat on the edge of the bed, gently rubbing a hand on her arm, coaxing her out of the dream.

"Erin. Baby, wake-up. It's just a dream. It's ok. It's all going to be ok." I told her as she woke-up, leaning into my chest, my cotton shirt quickly becoming soaked from her tears.

I held her as she continued to cry, neither of us saying a word, all I could seem to do was hold her and shush softly in her hear, rubbing a hand up and down her back. Her sobs slowly settled, becoming a soft hiccup ever so often. I knew I should go, but my heart was not about to leave her.

"Two Months."

"What?"

"We were together for two months and not once did you call me that." She mumbled into my shoulder.

"I'm Sorry? I won't do it again?" Ok… Really, she just had an emotional breakdown and she is freaking about me calling her a word of endearment?

"No, I kinda like it.." she smiled.

"You are one of a kind you know that Linds?" I told her, kissing her forehead, moving around on the mattress, trying to become more comfortable.

"Trust me Halstead, I know." She retorted, quickly jumping up off the bed, her legs quickly flying across the room towards the bathroom.

I held her hair and rubbed soft circles on her back as she emptied the contents of her stomach, as I had so many times over the past couple of days.

"You Ok?" I asked as I handed her a washcloth.

"I really wish you would stop asking me that. Do I look ok to you? No." she replied, leaning back against the tile. I sat down next to her.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really…"

We sat there in the floor of the bathroom leant up against the cold tile, blankly starring at the wall in front of us, in silence.

An unknown amount of time had passed, when the sound of her raspy voice cut through the thick air, startling me, pulling me out of the memory I was replaying in my head.

"You know, I… I have to keep reminding myself. Why… Why did I become a cop? You know? I keep asking myself that. That maybe had Voight not have gotten to me, ever so many years ago, on that cold November day, that maybe Nadia would still be alive.. But the truth is, is that maybe she would still be alive, but I might not, who knows, Charlie almost killed me so many times before that maybe in some alternate universe she lived and I didn't. Or what if the rolls had been reversed you know? Where Voight rescued Nadia, and she was the cop that friended me the hooker and druggie, that she was the one that rescued me, only for me to be killed by Yates, and not her. Not Na.. Nadia. She didn't deserve this. Any of it." She spoke softly, her voice cracking under the amount of pressure and emotion that had been building up. I let her speak her thoughts that must have been going through her brain the past few weeks, she needs to get it off her chest before it eats her anymore.

"But then I feel like the answer to my question has come over the last couple of days, that I answered the question. I became a cop because the person that rescued me saved me from the inevitable. My only so called 'family' was Bunny, since Teddy ran away. I was lost and confused in all the sex and drugs but then one day I tried to score from Voight and after some undercover work and becoming clean, Hank and Camille took me under their wing and raised me like their own, that's when I first caught a glimpse of what family is; but then as I got older, I began to see the impact that not only I had on Voight's family, but that they had on me. When I graduated from St. Agnuses I decided as I was walking across the stage what I wanted to do in life, I wanted to become a cop, because the man who rescued me, became my hero. And I firmly believe that it was the best decision that I made, because I never would have been able to meet some of the best people in the world, and have them become my family." She confessed as she came to terms with where she was in life, wiping the few stray tears that had fallen, from her cheek with the sleeve of the jacket she was wearing. I turn to look at her, grabbing her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. She places her head on my shoulder and nuzzles into my side, and I give her a kiss on the top of her head.

We sit there a while longer, when I hear her breathing even out as she drifts back off to sleep. I pick her up, she weighs next to nothing, it is comparable to carrying a handful of heavy groceries. I make way towards the bed, gently placing her down and pulling the covers up, before placing another kiss on her forehead. I walked out the door, making my way towards my own room, falling down onto the bed as sleep took no time in claiming me.

It felt as though I had only slept a few minutes, or maybe it was a few hours, either way it was not enough. I was in a deep sleep, dreaming of the past, but the past began to blur with the present and the lines began to cross, I was brought out of my slumber by the sound of glass shattering in the kitchen. 'What the Hell?' I thought to myself as I grabbed my firearm and a flashlight from my nightstand, quickly and quietly making my way out into the hallway. I clear the living room, and make my way to the kitchen in the dark of the night. I heard a low grumble come from behind the open refrigerator door, "Where's the damn alcohol in this place?" she softly mumbled, running a hand through her hair.

"Erin!? That's a good way to get yourself killed!" I told her as I lowered my sidearm and turned on the kitchen light.

"I want some brew." she demanded staring blankly into the fridge.

"What?"

"Brew. Beer. Vodka. Alcohol Jay. I want a drink." She said as she turned and began scouring the cabinets.

"At four thirty in the morning? I don't think so Erin."

"I just want a sip, I need a sip Jay."

"Do you hear yourself Lindsay?" ' _Entering Phase Two now_ ', I thought to myself as I studied her.

"I want a drink! And damn it, I know there is some in this fucking goddamn house somewhere because I found your bottles in the trash, now tell me where I can get me something to drink!" she screamed at me.

"No, Erin. I cannot allow you to do that." ' _That one is your own fault there Halstead…_ ' I thought to myself, knowing that drinking in the house would be a bad idea.

"And why the fuck not?" she asked as her arms crossed her chest.

"Because if you take a sip now, there is no going back, trust me, I know. You want to forget, you want to feel empty, and the alcohol will do that… for a little while, but then it just becomes something to numb the pain, you can still see her looking at the sky in New York can't you? That image forever something on your brain, in your heart. And soon after the numbness you begin to feel, to crave more, and that's when you hit the hard stuff. 'Oh, I just need a little.' You will tell yourself that every time, and each time you take more and more and more, until one day you are so desperate for a high that you overdose, your body cannot take the abuse anymore so it gives out. Do you have any idea what that would do to the people around you? To Justin? To Hank? To Me?"

"I don't know. I didn't think about it that way…"

"No, Lindsay you didn't think because you don't ever think of the consequences. You don't have any concern for anyone else but yourself."

"I'm sorry that I make you feel that way, Halstead. But I tend to act that way towards the people I love. So let me take care of the problem for you." She said before walking out of the kitchen and out the front door.

"Erin! Wait."

"Bro, what the hell is going on?" asked Will as he drowsily stepped out of his bedroom.

"Nothing, just, Erin's having a meltdown at almost five in the morning. Go back to bed." I told him before running out the front door after her.

"Erin!" I yelled from the front patio before stepping off and making my way around the house. Nothing. I run back into the cabin, grabbing my phone and the flashlight from the counter, before going back out the door. The possibilities are endless as to where she could have gone. I make another sweep around the outside of the house, before stopping, listening for any sound of life.

"Erin!" I yell once again, this time from the front of the house, and somewhere in a short distance, I can hear the slightest of cries. I slowly make my way down the embankment, trying not to fall as I make my way to her.

"Don't come any closer Halstead." I hear her say from the edge of the water as her hand comes up and wipes away a stray tear.

"What's going on Lindsay?" I ask, keeping my distance.

"I'm not going." She tells me, her voice raspy.

I slowly step closer towards her and sit beside her, "Not going where, Erin?" I ask her playing dumb.

"You know exactly where, Jay. I.. I can't do it. I can't, I won't."

"Yes Erin, you can and you will. You are tough, and strong, and stubborn. You love me and I love you, which is exactly why you have to go. Remember all the things I told you a few days ago, all the things that I want, that we both want."

"But what if I can't, what if-"

"Enough with the 'what ifs'. You're going and that's final, now let's go." I tell her as I get up off the cold ground, reaching out my hand.

"Wait… Can we just sit here for a few more minutes?"

I hold back a sigh and sit back down beside her, her hand finds its way into mine and her head falls onto my shoulder as we continued to sit there, I could see why she wanted to stay. One of the most vibrant sunrises that I had ever seen, was making its way up over the small lake. The bright orange rays broke through the clouds and kissed the calm waters and lit the dark sky, filling the sky with a vast variety of colors.

"Now you see why I wanted to sit here.." Erin told me we continued to watch the sun rise.

"Thank You."

"You know, on the rare occasion that I ever had to go running by myself in the mornings, I would always go to Navy Pier and watch it come over Lake Michigan. I guess I cannot get outside of a bar long enough to care anymore… But, that is about to change, right?" Erin asked as she lifted her head and turned towards me.

"Definitely." I reassured her as I got up, reaching out a helping hand which she accepted this time. And we made our way back up to the cabin and began packing to prepare for our trip back towards the windy city.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey look! It's an update and it only took 5 months! :D Sorry for the lack of updating, I lost interest in this fic, but I have decided to finish it no matter what! As a reminder, this fic took place BEFORE Season Three even began, so please do keep that in mind! :) Happy Reading and Review if you liked it (or hated it...)**

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"You sure you have got everything?" I asked her for the millionth time.

"Yes Jay." She sighed as she rolled her eyes before slamming the hatch on the car closed.

With that we officially headed out of the Wisconsin country side and back onto the interstate, back towards Chicago.

About halfway through the trip back, I glanced over towards Erin, she was looking out at the passing scenery, a terrified look on her face, the only way I knew that she was scared was because I had gotten to recognize her quirks and ticks that make her who she is.

"What are you thinking?"

"What?" she asked, my question pulling her out of her thoughts.

"You haven't said a word since we stopped for lunch over an hour ago. What's wrong Erin?" My intentions were never to ask her what was wrong, to let her tell me, confide in me, but with one glance to her and seeing the emotional battle she was waging, I had to ask.

She sat there in silence for a few moments, doubt swirling through my brain that she would tell me the truth or if she would just tell me to 'fuck off it's none of your business'.

"I'm scared. I keep thinking the worse, what if I can't do this, what if my poor choices hurt the ones I love? It's silly I know, but at the same time... it's true." She confessed, as she looked towards me.

Everything she was saying was right, as I too had been thinking the same things, "It's not crazy. But it's a step forward, you are thinking about the consequences rather than thinking of yourself. You can do this Er."

"But what if-"

"Where do you see yourself in a year?"

"What?"

"You heard me, where do you see yourself one year from today?"

"I don't know, probably sitting at my desk, or chasing a perp." She smiled as she turned her head and looked out the window. I could tell she was only telling me half her thoughts, but I was going to let it slide as I had a feeling what else she might have been thinking about.

"Then, look towards that, set _that_ as your goal." I told her, reaching over the center console, grabbing her hand that was in her lap and giving it a comforting and reassuring squeeze.

We continued on down the interstate, her hand still in mine as Erin had fallen asleep, her head falling against the cool glass of the side window, until we can to our destination, rather _her_ destination. I pulled into the parking lot, finding a parking space next to a black Cadillac SUV. I turned off the engine and let go of her hand before I stepped out of the car, gently shutting the door behind me, careful not to wake Erin.

"How is she?" I heard a familiar voice ask as I went around to the back of the car, grabbing her bags.

"She's ok." I said, looking through the back window towards Erin upfront who was still asleep "The first few days of her dealing with her withdraw was interesting, but she physically seems to be handling everything, mentally… not so much."

"I had Burgess go and get a few more things for her stay here. Hopefully it will do." Voight said as he retrieved a few bags from the back of his own car.

I nodded my head in response, not paying much attention though, as the passenger door of the car opened and Erin stepped out.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I asked her as she came to my side.

"Fine." She lowly responded. I could tell something was up, keeping the conversation short, and the way she didn't make eye contact, looking down at the ground.

"Hey kid." Voight smiled as he stepped forward, throwing his arms around her. "Don't scare me like that again, ok?"

Erin nodded her head, and I could see her break, she whispered something, to which Voight said "It's ok." I grabbed the bags I could carry, walking away to give them a private pseudo-father/daughter moment. I carried the bags into the one story building, asking the woman behind the desk where Erin's room is. The building was nice and modern, looking like a hotel rather than a hospital, there was a calendar of activities listed at the front door, a large garden towards the back. The lady from the front, led me down a hall, and to a small room. I stepped in, sitting her luggage in my hands down before looking around at the surroundings, the room was nice, with soothing and relaxing colors, a bed in the corner with other odds and ends placed throughout.

I headed back out to grab the rest of the bags, but ran into Erin and Voight in the hallway carrying the rest of the luggage. I grabbed the luggage from Erin's hand, she tried to put up a fight but I knew she was just messing with me.

"So, this is it." She sighed as she walked into her new room. "it's definitely not my apartment."

"No it's not, but you won't be here for long, you will be back behind that desk before you know it, if you feel comfortable with it." Voight was the first to speak.

"Yeah, I'm sure you guys will be missing me." She laughed.

"We will." I inputted "I mean, who else knows how to make the best coffee in the precinct, or rigs up the best pranks on Adam."

"I gotta head back to the district, but I will call you tonight." Voight told her as he gave her one last hug, whispering something in her ear to which she nodded.

"So…" she said in the awkward silence that followed Voight's absence.

"So, what do you think it takes to get some food around here?"

"I don't know, wanna walk around and find out?"

I nodded my head and grabbed her hand, pulling her out the door, we walked around the building, finding the odds and ends of the building, including a gym and café. We ordered food to be sent to her room, while waiting, we made our way out to the garden.

"It's so quiet." She thought aloud as was walked along a stone path, past various types of trees and plants before finding a wooden swing.

"So, you think you will like it here?" I asked her as we sat down.

"I think so. How did Voight even find this place anyways, it's miles from the city, I'm not even sure where we are."

I couldn't help but laugh at her honesty. "We are a few towns over from Chicago, it's about an hour drive. And Voight didn't find this place."

"Then who did?"

"I did. Well, technically I asked Will to pull some strings to get you in here, but it was my idea."

"So the three of you were in on this together? And no one died?"

"No, no one died." I laughed "Will was actually more than glad to do it."

Erin smiled, leaning back into the crevasse of my arm as we continued to swing.

"I'm going to miss this." She sighed as she ran her finger along my leg.

"I'm not going anywhere Er." I told her, giving her a kiss on her temple.

"Yeah, but everyone is so far away…"

"We're a phone call away and I will come up here as much as I can."

"Yeah." She let out a deep sigh.

I sighed, she knew how to break my heart, in more ways than one. I sat up, contemplating on whether or not to do this, but decided to do it anyway, thinking maybe it would give her hope and determination. I removed my hand from hers, fishing for my wallet from my back pocket.

"Jay? What are you doing?"

I reached into my wallet, pulling out something I knew she would recognize. My Tags. Yeah they had been through hell and back, more than once, but they were my good luck charm, I felt awkward to wear them in public so most of the time I keep them in my wallet.

"Your tags?"

"They are yours now." I smiled as I placed them over her neck, the thin metal falling against her chest.

"Oh, I could never accept these, they are yours, I wouldn't want to lose them."

"Think of it as a motivator, or a good luck charm, that one day you will be out of this place, forever." I smiled.

"Forever." She smiled back, "I like the sound of that." She told me, as her fingers fiddled with the thin metal. We got up, to head back to her new temporary home, but Erin stopped in her tracks, turning to look towards me. Out of nowhere, her lips landed on mine, it was short, soft and sweet, but it was everything in that moment. She pulled back and smiled, before grabbing my hand as we walked back inside.

The rest of the evening seemed to move by so fast that it felt as though I was standing still and everything else was moving around me. But it wasn't only that night that seemed to move by so quickly, it was the days, the weeks, and the months. Every week, a new scumbag was up to something that hurt or destroyed someone, which left me only a little time to visit with Erin every week, and even to do that, I had to ask Voight if I could leave for a while, take a break from the case to go see her. She seemed to be getting better, the aftermath of her withdrawal was long gone. Though it was hard to go see her, we talked for hours on end every night, most of the time till she would fall asleep on the other end, I would still stay on the line for a few more minutes, her snoring causing me to laugh more than once, no matter how many times she could deny it, she snores. I can't say anything because I do too.

Then, all of the sudden last week, after three months, the late night phone calls stopped, "I'll call you later" she told me once, but that call would never come, and then the calls stopped altogether.

"Hey Man, you ok?" Ruzek asked as he came up to me before our latest bust.

"Yeah, I'm good." I lied, throwing in a head nod for authenticity as I stuck my earwig in.

"Listen, if you need anything-"

"Yeah." I said as I slammed the hatch of the car before walking away towards the building we were raiding.

We got into position, Ruzek, Dawson and I taking the front, Olinsky and Atwater taking the back. Voight had left the district earlier this morning, saying he would meet us here at the bust, but he hasn't showed yet.

"You ready?" Dawson asked as he looked to me with a concerned look on his face.

I nodded my head, as Alvin gave the orders out over the com. Ruzek had the battering ram, and threw it full force into the wooden door, breaking it clean off of its hinges.

"Police Department! Search Warrant!" Antonio yelled into the room before grabbing a flashbang from his vest, pulling the pin, and throwing it inside.

The explosive went off without a hitch and Alvin order for us to breech. The three of us went in with our rifles held at the ready. Antonio went left, Ruzek went right, and I headed up the middle of the room.

"Clear." I heard Atwater say from my earpiece.

"Clear." Dawson said next as I came up to my first room.

The door was shut so I gave it a kick. Nothing. I cursed under my breath, this week has been hell, of course nothing would go my way. I turned around, my back to the door as I gave it another stern kick. The splintering of the wood told me I was successful so I repositioned my rifle and turned around.

I never saw it coming, I heard this deafening loud bang before I felt a burning sensation come through my vest. I fell to the ground, the shock of what just happened making me chuckle. Did I mention that it has been a bad week?

"Officer Down! Halstead's been shot!" I heard someone yell through my earwig.

I heard someone fire off a few rounds from behind me before I felt someone grab my shoulders and drag me down the hallway, into the living room that we had just entered through.

I can barely breath at this point, my lungs are constricting and mind swirling.

"Jay, help is on the way." Ruzek leaned down and told me as he began unstrapping my vest.

I nodded my head and tried to say something, but instead the taste of something salty and metallic came bubbling from my mouth as I felt a hand place pressure on my abdomen.

"Oh, shit." Olinsky mumbled from my side.

"That bad huh?" I asked with a cough, as something wet ran down the side of my mouth.

I have felt worse than I do right now, and my injuries are probably worse to look at, but through all the pain, my heart aches.

"Lind-say?" I ask, as someone wiped away the fresh blood from the sides of my mouth.

They thought I wouldn't notice, but I seen the look they exchanged amongst each other.

"Jay…" Ruzek began, as I let out a sigh.

"What the Hell happened?!" I heard a voice yell from across the room.

"Erin?" My voice croaked as I tried to turn my head and move my body a little.

"Don't. Move." Atwater enforced by gripping my head.

"I'm here Jay." Her voice broke as she stepped closer.

I couldn't see anything but I felt the hands that were holding my head down, be replaced with smaller much colder ones. I flinched as her hands gently held my head, "Your hands have always been cold." I tried to laugh, lightening the mood. She leaned over me, I could tell she was putting up a fight, trying not to let the dam of tears break, but she was losing. However that wasn't what I was focusing on, I focused on how she looked, she looked… good, like her old self, like _my_ Erin.

"You look… good." I coughed.

She let out a small laugh, still holding back the tears, even though a few fell. "I'm sorry. I wish I could have talked to you but I was visiting Justin on the base, and he wouldn't let me call you."

I blink once and nodded my head, Justin never has liked me, so it is actually not that surprising that he wouldn't let Erin have any contact with me.

"Don't… Don't cry." I tell her, lifting up a hand to caress her cheek, wiping away at the tears. I begin to feel faint as my breaths become longer and more drawn out, my own voice echoing around inside my head. She nodded her head, yet the tears never stopped.

"You promised forever." She said as she leaned over.

"And I'm not breaking that promise." I lied to her as I tried to lift my head to give her a kiss, even if it was the last thing I would do.

The kiss was slow, and it felt like it could last a life time, and to me it did. I felt my limbs grow heavy, and a darkness of sorts pulling me under, I felt weak and I couldn't hold on any longer. I never wanted to go out like this, leaving the woman of my dreams clinging onto me, begging me to come back as the tears broke through the wall she had been built. I told myself to fight, to fight with any ounce of energy I had left, but my body never heard me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello my lovely readers, I am back with another update! I hope you enjoy this Chapter, to forewarn you there is a POV change, because let's face it, it would be hard to write from Jay's POV after what happened last chapter (trust me, I tried...). Happy Reading!**

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"Erin… you need to let him go, the medics are here, let them do their job." Voight told her. Antonio crouched down on the opposite side, grabbing Jay's wrist, feeling for a pulse, not finding one to much disappointment.

"He can't be…" she stuttered as she tried her best to stop the tears from falling. She leaned down and whispered something in his ear, that was incoherent to the others before placing a light kiss on his cheek as a pair of hands were on her shoulders, pulling her back and leading her outside.

"What have we got?" asked Paramedic Sylvie Brett as she and another pair of footsteps quickly walked into the living space.

"He was shot with a 20-gauge shotgun from about 3 yards back, went through the vest…" Dawson filled in the young paramedic "We lost his pulse…" he lowly whispered.

"Ok good. You said shotgun, right? That means lower the caliber the less damage it could have done internally."

Antonio said nothing but nodded his head.

"You got a pulse?" asked the male paramedic as he knelt down at his side.

"Not yet." The Sylvie responded a few seconds later. "Let's put the pads on, just to be sure."

"Shouldn't we just call it?" the male ask.

"He is not dead until we have done everything in our power for him. And when that's not enough, we will take him to Med, they can decide what to do from there."

"But realistically he is dead."

"McAuley! Just shut the fuck up! He is a friend and he is not going to die if I can help it." Brett yelled. "The EKG is picking up a pulse, it's faint but there, do you want to check it or would you rather let him die?"

There was complete silence in the room, "Yeah… I feel it, it's weak, about 16."

Sylvie nodded her head before she began to examine the entry of the bullet, which was located in the lower part of the chest.

"You mean… you mean to tell me that he is not dead?" Ruzek asked.

"No, not yet but he needs a hospital. Now." Brett heavily implied.

"Then why is he so… lifeless? Why couldn't we find a pulse?"

"He's not lifeless, he is just unconscious. He has lost a lot of blood and his body couldn't handle it. Now, I know you all have questions but there is not a lot more we can do here." Brett told Adam before she began directing out orders "Kevin! You and Adam help me load him?" They quickly loaded him onto a backboard, before carrying him outside and placing him on the stretcher.

"Is he going to be ok?" Erin asked as she noticed them coming out of the door.

"It's touch and go, but I'm confident after surgery he will be fine."

"Is it ok if I ride with you?" Erin asked with a pleading tone.

"Sure, you can ride in the cab." Brett told her.

They loaded him into the back of the ambulance, administering oxygen, and beginning a bag of ringers lactate. Sylvie contacted Chicago Med, letting them know of their incoming patient, and they soon arrived to the hospital in a matter of minutes.

"What have we got?" asked the on-call Emergency Room doctor as he opened the ambulance doors.

"Male. 32. Currently unconscious after suffering a GSW from a 20-gauge shotgun to the chest. No exit. Estimated blood loss…" she continued to tell him as they made their way into an open trauma door, Erin following in behind.

"Somebody page Dr,Rhodes!"

"Will, you can't work on your brother." Erin told him as they switched Jay over from the stretcher into a hospital bed.

"I can until Connor gets here."

"Will, let me take over, until Connor can get here. You are too close." Natalie spoke as she began pulling him away from Jay.

Will let out a sigh, before nodding his head, and stepping back, falling against a wall that Erin was leaning against.

"Breath sounds are full and equal bilaterally, pulse is low and thready, no readable BP…" Maggie told her before continuing on with her verbal assessment.

"I want a pint of Blood administered followed by a CT scan of the chest please. Let's move." Natalie ordered before they began scurrying about, moving Jay down the hallway, with Will following.

Erin, knowing that she could not go past the double doors, went the opposite way, finding the rest of intelligence sitting in a small waiting room.

She stepped foot into the room, all eyes turned to her, she looked around, and shook her head, before she fell into a badly cushioned couch that was off by itself, yet somewhat close to the door.

The silence of the team filled the room, the hustle and bustle of the hospital continuing around them as if nothing ever happened, which to them something like this was everyday life. Voight leaned back in his chair, and began observing his team, something he did often from the confinement of his office, to make sure that the team was working as he deemed fit, if ever a problem occurred, he would immediately work out the kink. The Intelligence Unit of the 21st district, was made up of some of the most unique individuals, with varying background histories, that is what made them a team, and a family, but his team and most importantly, his family, seemed to have fallen apart right before his eyes.

Kevin was sitting across from Voight, and therefor became the first victim of his assessment, he tried his best to stay awake, throwing back coffee after coffee but the caffeine never hit his system and he began dozing off.

Antonio was sitting two seats down, with his head hung low in his hands, he clutched his phone tight in his fist. Voight assumed that he had just gotten off the phone with Laura, who probably wanted to have the kids this weekend, his weekend.

Adam and Kim were sitting on the opposite side of the room. Kim had come running in not long after Erin. She still donned her patrol uniform. From Voight's position, he could see that Kim was holding onto Adam's hand for dear life, silently promising to never let go.

Voight cast his gaze over towards Alvin, who was peeling an Orange, casting his gaze around the room, doing what Voight had been doing.

Mouse, was sitting in a corner, off to the side, away from the rest of the team, staring off into space, if Voight had to guess, he was day-dreaming in the one place he wished he could forever erase from his memory.

And then there was Erin, she was closest to the door, yearning for someone to bring any kind of update but she was also trying to keep it professional, trying to hold herself together. Voight studied her for a few minutes, she had her eyes closed tightly, and every muscle in her body was tense. Physically she looked healthy, all things considered that she had went through over the past few months. But he knew that mentally, she was blaming herself, for the things that had happened to Jay, how she was supposed to be there, to have his back and she didn't. It had been Voight's idea to have her go to the base to visit with Justin and Olive, he thought that it would be a good way for her to re-adjust and get settled back into life. Erin had drove back to Chicago last night, and had gotten to Voight's early that morning. He let Erin sleep in, and told the team he would make it for the bust but plans changed and he took Erin out for breakfast, just like old times. They we're half-way to the location of the bust, keeping an ear on the events of the bust through a private channel Mouse had made and installed on the hand-helds specifically for intelligence, when they heard the call go out. Judging by the tone of Adams voice it was serious, Voight pressed his foot harder onto the gas pedal as the flipped over the switches for the lights and sirens. He glanced over towards Erin, who was as white as a ghost, clutching onto the handle that was attached to the roof. As they approached the scene, he never had enough time to put the SUV in park before she was jumping out and running up the steps.

And now here they were, sitting in the waiting room, hoping for good news but thinking the worse, knowing the worse.

Erin opened her eyes and glanced at the clock hanging mockingly over the door, they had been operating for almost four hours now, and during that time the hands on the clock seemed to move by at a snail's pace every time she looked, but it went by quicker than expected. ' _Must have fallen asleep._ ' She thought to herself. She was about to get up, and get a cup of coffee, but her actions we're halted, instead she jumped to her feet and ran out into the hallway, her sudden movements causing the entire unit to jump out of reaction. But they quickly seen as to what she was reacting to, and they joined her in the hallway.

"How is he?" "Is he alive?" "Was there any complications?" They all asked Dr. Rhodes who was standing in green scrubs at the nurse's station, filling out a chart.

Connor let out a sigh "He is alive, and stable for his condition. It was touch and go for a while, the bullet clipped the edge of one of his heart valves, which caused massive internal bleeding."

"So he's alive?" Ruzek asked to confirm what he heard.

"Yes, but he is also critical, he will be in post-op for a few more minutes before they move him down to the Cardiac Unit. You can see him once they get him settled. Any more questions?"

The team shook their heads no, and turned around to head back towards the waiting room to grab their things, but Erin never moved, she continued to stand there, staring down.

"Detective? Do you have a question?"

"Give it to me straight. I want to know the truth, not that doctor BS." Erin told him as she crossed her arms across her chest.

Dr. Rhodes let out a sigh, "Are you sure you really want to know?"

Erin nodded her head and stood up straight, putting up her best front.

"It's not looking good, they got him here quickly but his heart was stressed out and caused him to code on the table. _Twice._ We got him back as quickly as we could but we won't know more until he wakes up."

Erin felt sick to her stomach, she should have been there she told herself, then this would have never of happened. She turned around, and headed towards the waiting room, she made it a couple of feet, before her feet felt as though they were trudging through wet cement, and she fell against the wall. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the cool wall, as her hands gripped the hand rail in front of her. ' _He's going to be ok. He will make it. Everything will be ok._ ' She repeated this mantra over and over again to herself. She's not sure how long she stood there like that, she knew that she was not alone though. "You know, I don't think I ever thanked you for your help back in Wisconsin."

"It was no problem." Will said as he stayed leaned up against the wall, reading the hospital sign across from him for the thousandth time.

"Will… what if he-" Erin began to let go of what was on her mind.

"Erin, don't. He's going to be ok. You couldn't convince me otherwise, after all the hell that that kid has been through. He's going to be fine." Will said, though it sounded like he said it for his own reassurance.

Erin pushed herself off of the wall, and nodded her head, walking past Will who quickly caught up with her and to the elevators. They got on the elevator and rode up to the Cardiac floor in silence, quickly stepping off as Will led them towards Jay's room.

Will walked in first, never fazed by all the monitors and bags of fluids hanging everywhere. Erin closed her eyes as she stepped further into the room, hoping that she could open them and this all be a dream. She opened them and the nightmare of the day, seemed to hold her in its grasp. She looked to the bed in the middle of the room, expecting to see Jay smiling at her with the boyish grin she loves, plastered on his face, but she expected too much, her heart breaking as the only thing she seen was the pale and unshaven skin of the man she loves, lying motionless in the bed. She turned her head and willed herself to look around, she found Voight, Mouse and Antonio sitting on the small pieces of furniture located throughout the room.

Will walked over to Jay's bedside, checking the thick bandage on his chest and the stats on his monitor, as Erin found herself sliding down into floor in the corner of the room. She pulled herself into the small crevice, hunching up against the wall, drawing her knees to her chest. She couldn't help but stare at the pale skin that she could see, studying it, remembering the last time she touched him, the last time she spoke to him, before today. The wires of the monitors, securing her thoughts that he is alive, that he is breathing, that he is still _her_ Jay.

She found the echoing of the heart monitor lulling her to sleep, and fought the urge to climb into the bed with him, to hold him, to physically touch him, to take this ache that was threatening to surface, away from her heart. She fought the urge to jump up and take his hand into hers, run her fingers through his hair or give him a soft kiss on the forehead. Instead, she sat there, dozing off, startled when she found someone sitting next to her, the rest of the room now empty besides Jay lying in front of her.

"Erin, none of this was your fault, I need you to know that, to understand that. If you'd been there, then it would be you lying here in this bed, or worse, both of you could be lying here in this hospital." Voight told her as he threw his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a side hug.

Erin nodded her head "I know," she told him as she felt a peace wash over her.

"Why don't we head home for a few, get some food, maybe rest for a few?"

"No. I want to be here when he wakes up."

Voight nodded his head before he stood up, "I'm going to go grab something from the cafeteria, want anything?"

Erin shook her head no, though she knew that Hank would bring her something back. Hank left the room, leaving Erin the only conscious soul in the room. She stood up from her position in the floor, cursing herself to decide in the first place that sitting down there was a good idea. Erin walked over to the side of the bed, having the first chance to observe Jay since the accident, being able to compare him to the last time she had seen him. His hair was longer, the curls of his hair becoming more defined, he looked tired, the bags under his eyes telling her that he hadn't been sleeping good, followed by the unshaven stubble of his facial hair, she loved his unshaven look. Erin slipped off her shoes and jacket, sitting them by a chair, she didn't care who was to walk in and see, she missed him, she wanted to feel him beneath her again. She climbed into his bed, curling into his side, careful of his new injury, she turned and rested her head on his shoulder, throwing an arm across his abdomen.

' _Wake up._ ' She began mentally chanting as the steady rhythm of the heart monitor lulled her to sleep, once again.


End file.
